My life these days seems to be an unpredictable roller coaster. No matter how strong my faith was and how many prayers were sent our way, the worst is about to happen. I am now waiting to miscarry my first and only pregnancy.
Thursday we had an appointment with a new Dr. After checking my uterus and doing an ultrasound he confirmed the worse, I was days away from miscarrying. This pregnancy was not "viable." What the hell is that supposed to mean anyway? How is it that after two VERY long years of waiting to have our first child our first pregnancy is ending so soon? I was 9 weeks yesterday. And I love how we found out we were pregnant on Valentines Day and got the dreaded news on St. Patty's Day. Pretty sure these days are now FOREVER stamped in our brains as days we will never forget.
The Dr. wanted me to have blood drawn Thursday after the appt. and also this past Saturday to make sure my HCG levels were decreasing. Luckily I had a friend and mentor in town this weekend so it kept my mind off of the sadness of what was to come. I had special little reminders all weekend though. (extreme sarcasm) Cramps, back pain and spotting were daily occurrences. Today I finally lost it. The anger, the resentment, the extreme feeling of loss set in. I definitely did some ugly crying. And on top of that the nurse finally called with results of my tests. I was told I had a UTI (isn't that special) and needed to pick up meds asap and my HCG dropped from 135 Thursday to 106 Saturday. I was also told that I had to get a Rhogam shot when I went back for my appointment next week. Apparently I have an A- blood type... good to know after almost 30 years of life and I need to have it for future pregnancy's.
Part of me just wants to hide in a hole and never return to the outside world. I feel so alone. Why does this have to be so freaking hard? The end of the pregnancy is near... as I wait on a tragedy.