I have always been a Beatles fan, yet somehow one of my least favorite songs on the Let it Be album is my new TTC theme song. "The long (and very) winding road." It is such a sad and depressing song! Today we hit another "roadblock" in this seeming long journey in becoming parents. Last week after I took my husbands "specimens" into the office (and yes, that was a very special point in my life.. at least I got a brown paper bag ;) ) I was scheduled for another ultrasound appointment for this week. I thought it was just another routine thingy.. no big deal, just like the week prior's uterine measurement. Little did I know....
I woke up this morning in an amazing mood! Had lost 3.5# on a RESET program and was feeling good! I had plans to hang out with my sister and niece after the appointment. She doesn't mind feeding my Dexter addiction and getting to play with my adorable niece is an added bonus ;)
The appointment started off with my not so favorite nurse and she told me in a nutshell that our problem may be my hubby's little swimmers. Super. The positive part was that even though that may be the culprit, the #'s were perfect for IFV!!! Score 1 for Team Harl!! I was feeling pretty good after that. May have found the problem, here to solve it in a few weeks.... Check! I then had to get an ultrasound (and it wasn't the tummy one), wasn't pleasant but is definitely tolerable. I was then told to stay put and the doctor would be in for the "blah blah blah" (have no clue what the procedure is called.) WHAT?! Before the nurse left she goes, "Two in one day, aren't you lucky?" Hmmm. Pretty sure a few choice words could have followed her out, but that that point I was stuck.
Dr. H walks in (I ADORE him) and tells me an analogy of how like a balloon they have to blow up my uterus a "little" to see its size and take pictures of it. They will be putting a saline solution with a tool that was similar to the one used last week. Easy enough, I thought.
IT WAS HELL!!
I told a few people today that I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. At one point I started cramping up so bad a severe pain gripped my entire body. I couldn't see straight, I started sweating profusely and was more close to passing out than I have ever been. My doctor called it vasovagal syncope. It was one of the scariest moments of my life. He took the speculum out soon after but still had to do another few minutes of ANOTHER ultrasound with taking pictures of the expanded like a balloon uterus. At this point I was ready to throw in the towel. I thought for about 30 seconds.. "Do I really want a child of my own this bad?". It was horrible. After this lovely experience the doctor meets me in a another room to go over my results. I wish I could say it got better from here... it didn't.
He tells me that they found some things in my uterus that looked like the rest of my miscarriage. You have to be kidding me, right? That was in MARCH! He isn't 100% sure, but suggested a surgery that would remove the remains and we will test it all and know for sure a week later. Have mercy. He said that it was a must in order to keep on schedule with my already lengthy IVF cycle. As of now our embryo transfer isn't until the beginning of December. He explained that it was similar to having a new baby and putting it in a crib with trash! Blunt, but to the point! He won't transfer the embryos into my uterus unless I get the procedure done and if I don't do it next week it will bump my IVF cycle into next year! Goodness gracious. No pressure at all.
I now have the outpatient surgery scheduled for next Thursday at 6am! The procedure is called a "hysteroscopy." They put me under, but it won't take more than a few hours. I should be home before lunch time :) I am TERRIFIED because I have never had to be in a hospital for anything, more or less being on anesthesia. And I have to go in Tuesday for blood work and a physical before the procedure Thursday. In a nutshell, it was a very sad morning ;(
Spending the afternoon with my sister and niece helped, but I wonder when (and if) this journey of IVF will ever become easy. And... will I be a better mom because of everything I am having to do to have this child?
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." -Phillipians 4:13