I have thought about writing a post this past week (or at least post my pictures from my trip to LA), but can't seem to get my thoughts together. I have been writing more and more in my personal journal. I am brutally honest on this blog, but some things just need to be voiced to myself. Writing seems to keep my head straight. Things with my mom are getting confusing and we are having to think about the future more than ever before. And the adoption is at a standstill... it really is harder than I expected.
As the days and weeks go by in this process of adopting our son I am quickly learning that not a lot of people adopt from other countries because frankly...it is HARD!!! Adoption itself is such a challenging and stressfull adventure and I now have a new found respect for ANYONE who has ever adopted and you really should too. In the USA or elsewhere the paperwork, time, patience and love for a child who is unknown is such a beautiful and honorable thing to glorify Him.
When we made the decision last month to adopt I assumed that it would all be a seamless process and we would fly through it faster than anyone before us, and do it with ease. Not the case. We were so excited about the decision, the announcement to our friends and family, the "public" announcement and then reality hit me with a ton of bricks. My post "Direction" from a few weeks ago documents my some of my frustration. Once we got the Home Study paperwork... (and don't you worry, its a COMPLETELY different than our dossier that we send to Africa)... I freaked.
Wednesday after a swift kick in the butt from one of my girlfriends, I started diving into everything that needs to be done. We have a 10 hour online class to complete, 6 books EACH to read, Copies of our insurance, Drivers Licences, Social Security cards, marriage license, rental agreement for our house, life insurance policy, employment verification, 1040 from last year, physicals for both of us and MANY more things to do and sign. Then a social worker comes to our house for 4 visits and writes a 20 page paper on us. Not including the $2,500 we have to pay. Wow, do we really have to do all of this to be parents?
Part of my heart still aches that we weren't able to have our own biological child yet and get pregnant and have those exciting parts of life that comes with expecting a child. Our journey of becoming parents is now much more challenging. I am confident that the Lord has put this in our hearts for a reason, and I pray He continues to give me strength and tenacity to keep doing the steps needed to bring our son home from Aftrica.
I have also found that even though last month I felt the emptiness of not having our own child had been filled by adopting, it has not. My heart still sinks when I get on facebook and find out yet another friend has gotten pregnant ( I need to stop getting on there), I still want to cry at baby showers and frankly I just long to be pregnant. Sometimes the pain and frustration wells up inside of me so deep that I just want to scream. Why not me!!??
The women's church retreat that I signed up for is only two weeks away and I know I need it more than ever. I need continuious reminding that I can't do anything in life alone and the only way to fill my aching heart completely is with Jesus.